24 January 2008

Survivor of the Skies

It’s 4 AM and I’m blogging off of someone’s wireless internet who forgot to install a password… LAND!

After 2 days in the air… just me and the boys… I can proudly proclaim… “I am the ultimate Survivor!”

The journey was not easy… here are the highlights… or should I just say stories of survival…

I thought most people would be impressed seeing a dad travel the world with his 2 young sons… much to my dismay most people watched us in absolute disgusted until we got to Fort Myers…

Kadin screamed for the entire 45 minutes it took to check-in at the Entebee Airport… mainly because I strapped him into a stroller… but still it was better than chasing him through security check points… not to be outdone once Kadin was released Noah began chasing him around the terminals… until he tripped and fell head first into a metal divided thing on a glass wall… the BANG was heard everywhere… and being that the entire terminal had been watching their game of chase the crowd let out a scream of shock and horror…. as I rushed to pick him up an Ethiopian nun outran me and began rubbing his bleeding forehead while trying to convince me in would prevent bruising…

We made it onto our first plane … 2 hours flying to Addis Ababa… it was completely uneventful other than the fact that we blew through every game, book, and special surprise that I had brought for the boys in my 40 lb carry-on…

A 2 hour lay-over in Addis Ababa lead me to one conclusion… this is going to be a long trip and there is no turning back…



On the 18 hours flight from Addis Ababa to Washington DC… which included an hour of refueling in Rome… the boys took turns sleeping giving me optimal non-sleep time… the stats for those 18 hours are: 12 juice cup re-fills which lead to… 22 trips to the potty… the boys had a rotational schedule to keep me moving… 36 requests for mommy and 3 concerts from Noah… Noah and Kadin have a Kids Praise Sing-Along Video and Noah thought that the best way to help people to sleep would be to stand on his chair and face the 100’s of sleeping 767 passengers while belting out… Shout to the Lord… Every Move I Make… and I Could Sing of Your Love Forever… which he did… and a few others that I will never be able to sing again in church again with a clear conscious… although I guess as long as the gospel is preached its okay…

Getting through customs was easy… we were one of three American families on the flight… finding our baggage went by fast… and finding Starbucks was life changing…



We met up with my B.I.L. David in DC and took a taxi to IHOP… seriously it felt like a different world… a cleaner, organized, smooth running (and driving) world… Kadin hit a new level of nirvana in IHOP as he poured syrup into my Starbucks cup and began to drink it in mass quantities… I’d like to say I make these things up… but unfortunately I live them all out… this lead into a whip cram bath with the toppings from his roty toty fresh and fruity pancakes… a women stopped by our table and told David and I we had wonderful kids… I guess appearing as a gay couple is about the only way I could get a compliment on the trip… although since I was with David its pretty much a given that I was taken to be the chick in the relationship…

The boys then ran around in the ice covered parking lot and discovered that snow is really cold… Noah kept grabbing handfuls and then complaining that it hurt his bare hands… it is also around this time that I remembered that it would have been a good idea to pack a pair of shoes for Kadin… after a quick stop to tease and torture a few animals in Pet Smart we went back to Dulles to catch a ride to Miami…

People were still staring at us like we were from another planet and I didn’t understand why… until I realized that Noah and Kadin were still wearing their hip-high yellow Ethiopian Airways sock and yellow sleeping masks as hats…

Noah slept the whole 2.5 hours to Miami and Kadin jumped up and down on my lap… at Miami a nice middle aged housewife was nice enough to point out that I now had a gapping hole in the crotch of my pants from all of Kadin’s jumping… with Noah still sleeping I pushed him from Terminal M to Terminal D in the stroller while holding Kadin and 3 carry-ons… please feel free to compliment the size of my right bicep the next time you see me…

While passing through the quarter mile line of check points… there were 2 breaches in security… first a young man in his 20s ran through the metal detectors while 20 out of shape policy academy rejects chased after him… during the 20 minutes it took to get the line moving again we had a second breach in security… “Kadin need to poop NOW!”

I quickly reached into my backpack in hopes of just putting a diaper on him and letting him “go there” so we wouldn’t lose our place in line… unfortunately in my haste to reach into his pants and put the diaper on he nailed me from my fingers to bulging right bicep with what appeared to be airline food, IHOP syrup and the missing red and green crayons…

Not wanting to miss our last 45 minute flight to Fort Myers… I grabbed the boys and ducked out of line and into a nearby bar… I pushed away the stools and put Kadin under the counter… it was 3 PM and only one guy was in the bar… and the 4 empty cups told me he wouldn’t mind… after a quick and failed attempt at good hygiene practice we jumped back in line… thank you Philip (who-ever-you=are) for saving my place…

We reached the boarding counter to be told we had be bumped to the next flight… tomorrow morning… it was here where I re-told this entire drama of world travel to the poor middle-aged chain smoking woman behind the counter… within minutes 3 other unassuming victims had been bummed in our place…

Both boys slept the entire flight… as the 33 retired Floridians on board awed and carried on about their own grandchildren that my peaceful boys reminded them of… Kadin awoke screaming in Fort Myers and proceeded to scream for the next 60 minutes from baggage claim to our new double-wide in Fort Myers… the screaming didn’t bother me a bit… I had survived!

9 comments:

Jen said...

Wow Jeff! I wish I could be Jeff Probst and greet you in Ft. Meyers with a million dollar check.... would you settle for a "#1 DAD" t-shirt? Congratulations, you made it!

Jerry W said...

ahahah. awesomely entertaining. sure makes me look forward to being a father someday. (<- sarcastically) hahah! seriously though, your boys are gonna love being able to go through journals like this when they're grown up one day and appreciate you

Flo Oakes said...

Jeff, you are fricken hilarious!
My 4 hours on a plane were nothing like your adventure.
Amazing.
Congratulations on making it through!

Teenietinyt said...

You are a ROCKSTAR dad!!!!
I TOTALLY MISS YOUR WHOLE FAM!!!!!
TELL THE BOYS AND CHRISTINE I SAID HI!!!

greg said...

the present sufferings are not worth comparing with the future glories... but dang man.. after reading this... nevermind, believe greg, just believe... ok i'm going to go read my Bible and pray for your recovery. :). seriously though, i haven't laughed this hard in a while. thanks for being faithful.

Joshua Walker said...

Jeff,
You just about killed me. Way too funny. You need to start publishing this stuff. Or doing stand-up or something. There has to be some redeeming value in all of this suffering.

The two funniest parts were you being mistaken for a gay couple and your ripped crotch being pointed out. That happened to Spencer once at orientation. The ripped crotch I mean, not being mistaken for a gay couple. That happened at Disneyworld when he was walking with Pat McCoy.

Oh, and I just wanted to point out that it doesn't matter if you're with David or Christine, you're always taken as the chick in the relationship...

See you in Nov. :)

Lena said...

Yeah Jeff,

I think Josh is right about the chick thing =) Im glad you made it safely...for the most part

Lena

TheStover's said...

Oh my goodness...how many times did you kick yourself for not packing the benadryl? It's a good thing that there was the prize of your wife at the end of that adventure...

marcie said...

Oh my gosh, I laughed out loud on this one! I hadn't planned on sharing which part of the story cracked me up so much until Josh broke the ice. Jewels in your crown, my friend...